The Top 25 Signs That You're Nine Months Pregnant

Let me start off by saying that this pregnancy has been much easier than my first. Although most of my friends reading have been pregnant, if you haven't, please read with discretion. I don't want to scare you. And just have a little extra courtesy for those who are pregnant. Understand that it can be a very uncomfortable time: 25. Every time you bend over, your elastic pants fall down. 24. Squatting causes your hemorrhoids to flare up. 23. Your boobs are so big that when you reach up, they ooze out from the bottom of your bra. 22. Every time you change positions (sit to stand; stand to lie down) you have a contraction. 21. At the end of the day, your bare feet show the design of the socks you were wearing. 20. Anything fun to eat gives you heartburn. 19. You have a big appetite, and a small stomach. Not a fun combination. 18. You have to wear a bra and at least two shirts to make sure "bullets" don't show through your shirt. 17. You're just barely too big for all your maternity clothes, but absolutely WILL NOT buy anything new. 16. You can't see your feet when you walk, so you manage to trip and slip more often than usual. 15. You get out of breath going up one flight of stairs. 14. You snore. 13. Everything makes you look fat, because (let's face it), you are. 12. You curse every time you drop something on the floor because it takes all of your effort to pick it back up. 11. Your belly has stretched the top of your panties out so that they fall down a little every time you stand up. 10. You feel like you've pulled your groin muscle every time you stand up to walk. 9. No less than five of your joints pop when you stand up from lying down. 8. You can pee on command. Sometimes, you finish peeing, wash your hands, and realize you already have to go again. 7. You can barely reach to wipe yourself completely. This also takes A LOT of effort. 6. Using the bathroom less than five times per night is considered a good night's sleep. 5. Your body is leaking fluids. I won't go into details. 4. You lose control of your bladder when you sneeze. 3. You are uncomfortable all the time, and everyone asks "How are you feeling?" You feel that you can only be honest with other moms. 2. You want to nest, but your body can't really handle it any more. 1. NO sex drive, and after the first 24 items, your partner probably doesn't have one either. So I've got 5 1/2 weeks to go (I'm rounding down to one month because it makes it feel more bearable). Wish me luck and comfort! Hopefully in a month, I'll just be complaining about lack of sleep (I doubt that will be it, though) ;)